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The Need for Intimacy

I’m craving intimacy right now.

Actually, I’ve been craving intimacy for most of my life. I’m just now realizing how important it is to me.

Now to be clear, I’m talking about intimacy in the broadest of terms. While I want and need physical touch and having private, naked time with another, it’s a lot more than that. Intimacy is having a good conversation with someone in a coffee shop, getting a smile across a room, a drive-by hug when you see someone else on the street and you’re both rushing off to something, the quick email or text to just say that someone is thinking of you, the lazy dinner that you and a friend make on a Thursday night, the long conversation after an event with someone at your car door when both of you were planning on being home half an hour ago, and so many more. They all are centered on the fact that you are important to that person for that amount of time, and if you weren’t there, it wouldn’t have happened.

In the past two years, my life has been completely unscheduled, and if I don’t make plans to get together with someone, it doesn’t happen. This is a really difficult thing for this raging extrovert, where I really need the interaction with other people. It’s sent me into bad depressions numerous times, and I’ve spent many a Friday and Saturday night on the couch because I didn’t have anything to do where it was really important to be there. I’ve had plenty of times where there were events to go to, and I probably would have seen some friends and they would have been happy to see me, but it wasn’t like I was integral to the event; it went on just fine without me.

I’ve had some times where I’ve posted on social media asking if there was anyone around who would like to do something, and I remember a number of times where I got responses that I could tell people just didn’t get what I was looking for. Often, I would get something that would say “There’s the big event happening in Somerville, and there will be lots of people there”, and that would be a soul crushing event for me, and exactly the opposite of what I was looking for. For me, to be in a large group of people where everyone knows each other and are having a good time and enjoying themselves and I don’t know anyone is a particular version of Hell for me. It’s reinforcing that I’m alone and no one is there for me.

I’ve been particularly hermit-like in the past couple of years, as while previously I would have crazily just gone out and done something (and usually come back exhausted and frustrated), I have been really working on what is it that I want and need. I’ve been a professional thirsty ear, and in the past I would have gone out and been with people who just wanted to dump their frustrations out, and with all the challenges that I’ve had in the past few years, I don’t have the (frenetic) energy to put myself in that space.

I want to surround myself with people who want to be with me, and for me, and to lift me (and others) up. I want to be seen as special and valued. I want intimacy of friends, partners, and acquaintances. I want to know that when I’m with people, it’s because they want to be with me and they want to have particular interactions with me

I know to have that, I have to ask for it and reach out for it. Consider this blog post Step 1 in that effort. I’ve working a lot more on really thinking about what are my intensions, what do I want in my life, and how can I ask for that and put it out in the Universe. So, next time you see me, come up and give me a hug and ask to get together (and find out what I need.)

And if you’re looking for something more sensual, let me know 😉

Addendum: Since publishing this, I’ve had so many people had sent me messages to say that my writings here resonated with them and they felt similarly. Given that, I would recommend that you hug and show you care to anyone you can. It seems like we all could use the feeling of being integral in other’s lives.


  1. Rob Jacobs

    Ken, this post really touched me incredibly. It was so well expressed. If I had the guts to have sat down and wrote that myself, I would have, but I don’t know if I could have expressed it as well as you did.
    Now you will probably get a lot of invitations to dinner and other events. So when you use up all those dinner invitations, I want to ask you to visit me and be my guest. I really do miss you.

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